Matrix Imploded

Got the following from The Editing Room. Rod Hilton does a take on The Matrix Reloaded.

INT. WELL-LIT, NON-NOIR WHITE ROOM

KEANU enters a white room, the walls of which are covered
in monitors. A chair spins around to reveal THE EXPLAINER.

KEANU REEVES
Who are you?

THE EXPLAINER
I am The Explainer. I designed the
matrix screenplay. Unable to
decently explain the convoluted plot
well, I have resorted to putting
myself here in the final act and
having you ask all of the questions
the audience wants to ask.
(dramatic pause)
You must begin by asking your own
questions then gradually switch to
asking those of the audience, in
order to not make this scene any
more awkward than it already is.
Concordantly, while your first
question may be the most pertinent,
you may or may not realize it is
also the most irrelevant.

KEANU REEVES
Why am I here?

THE EXPLAINER
Many years ago, shortly before the
success of Speed, you sold your soul
to the devil in exchange for a
promise of notoriety that your
piss-poor acting skills do not
deserve. This series is the
actualization of this promise.

KEANU REEVES
What was the Osiris? And who was
that kid in zion who kept pestering
me?

THE EXPLAINER
You will find the answers to these
questions by purchasing The
Animatrix, a collection of nine
animated shorts from some of Anime's
top directors.

KEANU REEVES
Alright. Well, what was that crap
Glora said about vampires and
werewolves? And how did Jada Pinkett
Smith get to Laurence Fishburne
during the car chase? And what the
hell happened during the power plant
takeover climax that-wasn't?

THE EXPLAINER
You will find the answers to those
questions by purchasing the Enter
The Matrix game, available for
Windows, Playstation2, Xbox, and
Gamecube. Enter the Matrix features
awesome gunplay and spectacular
martial arts that bend the rules of
the Matrix. This game isn't just
set in the Matrix universe--it's an
integral part of the experience,
with a story that weaves in and out
of The Matrix Reloaded. Enter the
Matrix is the story behind the
story.

KEANU REEVES
Fine! Then tell me this, what the
hell is with Hugo Weaving saying he
and I have some special connection?
And how come I can control machines
in the real world? And will we win
the war if I don't choose the door
to my right?

THE EXPLAINER
You will find the answers to these
questions when you watch The Matrix
Revolutions, coming later in 2003.

KEANU REEVES
I hate you.

THE EXPLAINER
Perhaps you should drink more
Powerade.

KEANU REEVES
Just answer me one question. We're
not going to find out that the real
world is in another matrix, are we?

THE EXPLAINER
Christ I hope not.

Copyright 2003 Rod Hilton. All Rights Reserved. This document may be reproduced verbatim (allowing censorship and translation) as long as the author's name is preserved and this notice is either preserved or referenced.

Sigh. Why am I here?

To procrastinate is abso-effing-lutely divine.