Tuesday, January 20, 2004

not exactly losing your best friend
but somewhat close

I lost my wallet.

I'm not even sure where or how I lost it. I just know that I last took it out of my bag when I bought some stuff at Cash and Carry last Sunday. I then lost track of it because keeping my wallet was just second nature to me; I never really take another look at it once it's in my bag. Apparently I could have lost it there (could have left it at the cashier); I could have been the victim of a pickpocket in Cash and Carry; I could have left it in GP's car; I could have dropped it at the curb where we parked. Realize that I spent the whole night thinking of every possible angle.

Maintaining a wallet is tantamount to investing emotionally. My wallet wasn't just my carry-all for things financial, it was a trophy for my triumphant sale find, a repository of cute ID pictures (me and Jen, Justine, Bong and his girlfriend), a brief history of my credit card expenses (because all the receipts were there). I lost the Rustans discount card on which I spent more than a year accumulating purchases. I lost my old SIM card (memories of 5333909). I lost four ID pictures, a good pasta recipe and the receipt for my digicam warranty.

But a wallet is just that: a wallet. A thing. And no matter how emotionally attached you are to it, if you could get over losing a boyfriend of four-and-a-half years... you get my drift. I've realized now that I've been less attached to stuff lately, both tangible things and what could be termed as emotional baggage. A wallet is a wallet is a wallet. It's going to be a hassle replacing it but I'm going to manage. I'll find the right wallet and be able to reconstruct most of what was lost there.

I figure it's some form of hubris, but I haven't been a spectacular asshole about things--they've just been going a bit better than usual lately. Maybe God's jolting me because I haven't thanked him enough. Oh well. The things that go through your mind when you lose something important to you. They say that losing your wallet is much like losing your significant other. Of course, all sorts of things go through your mind when you lose someone that important too. I think what's important is not to blame yourself. Sure, you may have been careless and it could have entirely been your fault but you can't dwell on that because there's so many things to do after that! You may have to rethink your safety measures, you may have to strategize about replacement, or you may decide that you can live without it for the time being, but what's important is you're concentrating on the future and not dwelling on the past.

There are the stages, of course: You go through denial (yesterday: "No, it's at home. I just left it at home." "Ah, it's probably just in GP's car."). And then there is a burst of anger (around midnight: "Baaaah-keeeet!!! Bahket nawala!!! Masama ba akong may-ari?!"). There is some grief (around 3am: "Huhu... Esprit pa naman yun na 60% off..."). And then as the morning light comes streaming through the faux skylight, some acceptance. I had to get to work, finalize the blocking of the cards, and face the world. There are some things I still can't face right now, like what would I do if something happened to my camera and I can't use the warranty because the receipt was there in the wallet. But I'm moving on. Maybe it'll even be a welcome respite from the tedious day-to-day office work.

Now if only I had adjusted to losing a boyfriend in the same amount of time that I accepted the loss of my wallet. Haha!

posted to riannesravings@yahoogroups.com

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