Wednesday, January 26, 2005

rules of engagement

I've just found out that Z. is officially engaged. At least that's another wonder of the cyber-world that I found this out despite having practically no more ties with the person.

I went to the restroom and took a moment. It was a rather long moment. I thought about how all the ex-es were getting married (three down, two to go). I thought about how nicely Caucasian Z. and Mrs. Z’s kids would be. I thought about an email conversation Bespren M and I were having a few days ago: how "Z. 'spoiled' me because everything was so perfect. gazing together towards the future and all that crap... and conversations that were in turn meaningful and hilarious... how he would gaze into my eyes... how we both were into the same music, from the corrs to kenny loggins to glam rock... how he would bring his car to school even if he lived just a few blocks away so that he could bring me home... and not mind if we had to stop at any given restroom because of my weird stomach..."

That isn't enough—that is far from enough—but at the time it meant the world to me. I had started to move on, but realized that I was doing it the wrong way. I tried to stay “friends” with him but that didn’t really work out. At least I have realized that I have to live my life for me, never mind that it’s been a few years in the making. And tons of thanks to the Besprens, whose constant support and sometimes poignant, sometimes authoritative, and sometimes hilarious messages have been the source of my strength.

If one carries a torch, when is it officially extinguished? If one says the words over and over again, do they really gain meaning?

Songs I’m thinking to play:
White Flag – Dido
Silver Springs – Fleetwood Mac
Don’t Say You Love Me – The Corrs
Even If – Lea Salonga

I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were

I'll let it pass/and hold my tongue
And you will think/that I've moved on

Feh. Depressing. I should kick in a little Liz Phair.

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